“I feel sorry… for people who’ve had skinny privilege and then have it taken away from them… I have had a lifetime to adjust to seeing how people treat women who aren’t their idea of beautiful and therefore aren’t their idea of useful, and I had to find ways to become useful to myself.”
I got a call from my doctor the other day with the results from my blood test. Everything was wonderful. My cholesterol is extremely low, my blood pressure is low/average, I don’t even have a hint of possibly having diabetes, and my doctor ended the conversation with “You body is operating like a high school athlete.”
I do, however, have PCOS (Polycystic ovary syndrome)…something I’ve known about since I was 19-years-old. PCOS makes it harder for the person to lose weight. I have been an athlete since I was in high school and I have never dropped a size. It’s incredibly frustrating to walk into gyms, teams, or any place where I would have to exercise/move and be dismissed because I am larger than most people there. I sometimes feel like I’m trying to prove myself.
Now, let’s call our attention back to the first paragraph. My bigger body, my chubby body, my size 16-18 body operates like an athletic person 5-6 years younger than me. Hmm…does that prove that being healthy at any size is a real thing?
I will never ever be a size 2 or 4 or 6 or 8 or even 10. That’s fine. But I wanted to make a point to stop stigmatizing larger people and assume it’s because they are unhealthy. Have you seen the subway ad with the fat person’s body eating a bunch of junk food? This is making a lot of assumptions about what I put into my body.
1. Fat people aren’t the only people that eat junk food. You’re really going to tell me that people below a size 12, 10, 8 have never ever ever had a doughnut.
2. I have had doughnuts before, I have a big body, I don’t have diabetes
3. My living body just proved that subway advertisement wrong
To end this rant, I’ll say this:
I know that I’m very lucky to have these results come back this good. I know that I work very hard to stay health and to exercise when I can (even if I’m currently dealing with a sports related foot injury). But even with all my trying, I’m still this size. I was meant to be this size. So instead of me killing myself to be smaller, which I never will be, I’m just going to continue what I’m doing and live my awesome, healthy life. And hopefully, I will stop having to prove I’m an athlete because I’m not smaller.
[steps off soapbox]
These are my new Faith 21 Camel Colored Skinny Jeans. They’re cute. But the reason as to why I’m talking about this on my blog is because of the new amazing trend in which chubby, fat, curvy, plus size femme women are embracing bold bottom colors. I normally where darker colors on the lower half of my body because it’s what I’m used to doing for so many years. Then I analyzed why I do this…it’s because some where in my history someone told me that I needed to be smaller, and if I couldn’t be smaller right away I can always make myself look smaller. At that point, I grabbed these from the rack and continued to shop around. Plus, they look pretty great on me!
One of the most important parts of my life is walking around the world without shame for my body. As much as this is a fun, silly blog post about brightly colored pants, it’s also brings to the forefront the constant ‘fat preaching’ that is heard by anyone with a double-digit pants size. It’s a control technique used to keep bigger sizes in less flattering outfits because if you’re big you’re, apparently, not allowed to be fashionable.
“No, I don’t want to smile” is a phrase and situation I have debated over the past few years. It’s a reaction to people who think they have the agency to comment on my outward expression when I walk down the street. “Smile for me,” “It’s not that bad,” “You’d be so pretty if you smiled,” are comments I have heard while I was minding my own business trying to get to my preferred destination. I’m sure female-identified people are guilty this, but my experience has suggested that male-identified/presenting people are often the culprits of expressing their opinion regarding my demeanor.
My only guess is that the people committing this think they are saying something nice; as if they are complimenting my beauty because it shouldn’t go unnoticed behind my frown. If this is how you (if you are female-identified and reading this) feel, that is great. The way we individually embark on our lives — especially how we hear/react to comments — is different for everyone. I, personally, react negatively to these comments.
I think from a very young age we are trained to look at women as decorations, and when a woman deviates from that protocol we ignore that person’s accomplishments because beauty is our main concern. Also, it’s almost as if we believe women owe their beauty. We see this a lot in our celebrity-obsessed culture. The most relevant example I can think of is Christina Aguilera’s weight gain. She has one of the most powerful voices of the last 10 years but all her accomplishments are wiped away because of her weight. The article that inspired this rant also used Christina Aguilera as an example and found a user comment about her recent weight gain:
The same article brought up the negative comments about Supreme Court Justice Elena Kagan. This is a Harvard Law graduate, dean of the same program, who apparently owes us by living up to our standards of beauty:
“Her face is so ugly you can smash it into some dough and make gorilla cookies.”
“So fugly, I’d say ‘don’t even look’!!!”
“At least Medusa was modestly attractive by comparison.”
“This person is disgusting and I would never trust ‘it’s’ opinion on ANYTHING!”
It is not my job to make your day beautiful by my smile. I’m not here to be an ornament on your life. I’m here to live my life, and part of this is to have emotions concerning the things around me. I am not always walking around with a frown. I’m very happy, and pretty much a cheerleader about everything I’m excited about. I have my bad days, and those days do not require me to smile for anyone. I am a self-identified femme and love makeup/expressing my gender with my outward appearance — so I’m not “pretty bashing” (if that is even a way to explain it), but I shouldn’t have to be told to smile when I don’t feel like smiling.
People are sexually repressed, and terrified of their own bodies. I absolutely understand this from my own past, and find some comfort knowing that I can take a really complicated subject and make it accessible to those struggling to find their sexual identity. However, there needs to be more sex education in this country. I can’t help but feel sad for the hundreds of women I’ve had to convince they are allowed to feel pleasure, and the tons of men I’ve had to educate on anal stimulation and prostate health — and how it doesn’t turn you gay. These are legitimate fears/insecurities I hear every single day that have been hammered into people’s brains. My favorite is the one about how if a female can put something big inside of her she is a slut, or loose, or has been fucking by many people. Or females who have been told this asking for creams that will shrink/tighten their vaginas.
[Before I continue, I'm going to explain a few things. 1. The walls of the vagina are anatomically designed to be somewhat elastic. You're not stretching anything. Also, let's also keep in mind the vagina is equipped to push out a baby. Of course, not everyone with a vagina self-identifies with giving birth or even has the ability to carry a child, but the vagina can expand (with lube and foreplay). Also, as a female bodied person stands up the walls of the vagina are touching. Those 'loose' rumors are incredibly false. Oh and those creams are meant to dehydrate you giving you the illusion of being 'tighter' when in fact it's causing you more problems than it's worth (dryness, irritation, bacterial infection, yeast infection). Okay, I'm done. Continue on...]
This is what I think is going on. I could totally be wrong, but this is what I’ve come to understand:
People are focusing too much on the morality aspect of sex and how it is defying god’s law to have it for more than procreation. So let’s not teach people about sex or sexual health because then they will get the idea stuck in their head and will want to engage in it outside of marriage and/or for pleasure. So rich, god-fearing politicians stand in front of podiums and submit bills to cut off funding for sex education and to places that provide contraception because that way they will cut off all thoughts people might have about their bodies.
Let’s look at the key words here [thoughts, their, ideas,bodies, health]. I will say this: if god gave us anything, he/she/they gave us free will and the ability for us to form our own opinions. I have the right to disregard the sex/morality guilt. I even have the right to spell god in all lower case letters. I have ideas and those ideas are different from your ideas.
Here is the plan. Fund sex education and contraception. Do it for two years and look at the results. I bet you will see a greater good that comes from it instead of looking at it as ‘god is going to get mad,’ ‘women are going to be sluts,’ ‘morality is going to go our the window’ way. Look at it as a way for people to think. The best part, we all have the ability to disregard the information — and that should be an individual choice.
p.s. I wrote this on the G train about an hour ago.